Assertiveness: How to Express What You Feel Without Conflict

How many times have you kept quiet about something for fear of bothering someone, and later regretted it? Or exploded over something trivial because you had been putting up with it for too long? Assertiveness is precisely the skill we lack in those moments: the ability to express what we feel, think and need clearly and respectfully, without walking over others or letting them walk over us.

Being assertive is not something you are born with, but a skill that is learned and trained. In this article we explain what assertiveness really is, why we find it so hard, how it differs from other communication styles and what concrete techniques you can start applying today.

What assertiveness is

Assertiveness is a communication style based on respect: towards yourself and towards the other person. Being assertive means being able to say what you want to say honestly and directly, but taking care with how you say it and keeping the other person in mind. It is not about always getting your way, but about defending your rights and expressing your needs without attacking or submitting.

An assertive person can say no without feeling guilty, ask for what they need without demanding, express disagreement without attacking and set limits without breaking the relationship.

The three communication styles

To understand assertiveness well, it helps to compare it with the other two styles we tend to fall into when we are not assertive.

Passive style

The passive person puts the needs of others before their own. They find it hard to say no, avoid conflict at all costs and tend to keep quiet about what they think for fear of rejection. The problem is that this constant self-denial generates frustration, resentment and a sense of not being taken into account. This pattern is closely related to low self-esteem and to emotional dependence.

Aggressive style

At the opposite extreme, the aggressive person defends their interests but without respecting others. They impose, blame, raise their voice or use sarcasm and criticism. Although in the short term it may seem effective, in the long run it damages relationships and creates distance and fear.

Passive-aggressive style

There is also a fourth, in-between style that is very common: passive-aggressive. Here the person does not express their discomfort directly, but lets it out indirectly through hints, silences, irony or small acts of sabotage. It is a way of communicating anger without taking responsibility for it, and it tends to create a lot of confusion in the other person.

Assertive style

The assertive style is the point of balance: I defend what is mine while respecting what is yours. It is based on honesty, clarity and mutual respect. It is the only one of the styles that lets you care for the relationship and care for yourself at the same time.

Why we find it hard to be assertive

If assertiveness has so many advantages, why do we find it so difficult? There are usually several reasons behind it:

• Fear of rejection: we are afraid that, if we say what we think, people will stop loving us.
• Learned beliefs: many of us were taught that saying no is selfish or that we have to please everyone.
• Low self-esteem: when we do not value our needs, it seems to us that we have no right to express them.
• Lack of practice: no one taught us to communicate this way, and without a model or training it is hard.

Assertive techniques you can apply

The good news is that assertiveness can be trained. These concrete techniques will help you communicate in a healthier way from now on.

1. First-person messages

Instead of accusing (you are always late), speak from yourself (I feel bad when we make plans and you arrive late, because it gives me the sense that you do not value my time). First-person messages express your experience without attacking, which greatly reduces the other person's defensiveness.

2. The broken record

This consists of repeating your position calmly and serenely as many times as necessary, without getting into endless arguments or justifications. It is especially useful when someone insists on pressuring you: I understand what you are saying, but I am not going to be able to.

3. Fogging

Faced with criticism, you can acknowledge the part that may be right without giving in entirely or getting into conflict: it is possible that you are partly right. This defuses the confrontation without your having to give up your position.

4. Learning to say no

Saying no is a right, not a lack of manners. You do not need to give a thousand explanations or over-justify yourself. A clear and kind no (thank you for thinking of me, but this time I am not going to be able to) is perfectly respectful.

5. Asking for what you need

Many people expect others to guess what they need and then feel frustrated when it does not happen. Expressing your needs directly and concretely is one of the healthiest ways to look after your relationships.

The DESC structure for difficult conversations

When you have to address a delicate topic and do not know where to start, a simple structure can help you order your message. One of the most useful is summed up in four steps:

• Describe the situation objectively, without judgements: over the last few days you have arrived late to the three meetings we had.
• Express how you feel about it, in the first person: I feel undervalued when this happens.
• Suggest a concrete and realistic change: I would like you to let me know in advance if you are going to be late.
• Share the positive consequences of that change: that way we could both organise ourselves better.

Rehearsing the conversation with this structure, even writing it out beforehand, greatly reduces anxiety and helps you not drift towards reproach or excessive apology.

An applied example

Imagine that a relative makes comments about your life that bother you. Instead of keeping quiet (passive) or answering brusquely (aggressive), you could say: when you give your opinion about my decisions without my asking, I feel judged. I would like you to trust that I know what I am doing. That way I would feel much more comfortable in our conversations. It is direct, respectful and makes clear what you need.

Assertiveness is not magic (nor a guarantee)

It is worth having a realistic expectation: being assertive does not mean that you will always get what you want or that the other person will react as you hope. Assertiveness is about taking responsibility for expressing what is yours with respect; what the other person does with that is no longer up to you. The goal is not to control the other person's response, but to be true to yourself while caring for the relationship.

It is also important to remember that assertiveness is not about saying everything we think at any moment. Choosing the right moment, minding your tone and taking the context into account are part of healthy communication.

Benefits of communicating assertively

• You reduce accumulated frustration and resentment.
• You improve the quality of your relationships, which become more honest.
• Your self-esteem grows, because you treat yourself with respect.
• You lower the stress that comes from keeping quiet or exploding.
• You gain confidence in yourself and in your ability to handle difficult situations.

Common myths about assertiveness

• Being assertive is being selfish: false. Assertiveness takes the other person into account; selfishness does not. Defending your needs with respect harms no one.
• If I am assertive, I will win every argument: assertiveness does not seek to win, but to communicate with respect. The outcome is not always in your hands.
• Saying no makes you a bad person: setting limits is a way of caring both for yourself and for the relationship in the long term.
• Either I am submissive or I am rude: there is a middle point, and that point is precisely assertiveness.

Frequently asked questions about assertiveness

Can assertiveness be learned as an adult?

Yes, completely. Assertiveness is a skill, not a fixed personality trait. With practice, concrete techniques and sometimes professional accompaniment, anyone can become more assertive.

What do I do if I get very nervous when being assertive?

It is normal at first. You can start with low-risk situations, rehearse what you are going to say and even write it out beforehand. With repetition, the nerves lessen and assertiveness becomes more natural.

Will being assertive ruin my relationships?

On the contrary. Although at first some people used to your passive style may be surprised, in the long run relationships based on honesty and mutual respect are much healthier and more lasting.

When to seek professional help

If you find it very hard to set limits, if you tend to keep quiet until you explode, if fear of conflict shapes your decisions or if you feel that your relationships suffer because of the way you communicate, therapy can help you train assertiveness and work on the beliefs and fears underneath. It is a process of learning that transforms not only your communication, but your overall wellbeing.

You can explore our services or download our free guides with practical resources to start training your communication.

One final thought

Assertiveness is one of the skills with the most positive impact on our lives, because it affects all our relationships and the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself. Learning to express what you feel without conflict does not make you selfish, it makes you free.

If you feel that you find it hard to set limits or express what you need, you do not have to learn it alone. You can book a consultation with us and start communicating in a way that is healthier, more honest and more respectful towards yourself.