How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: A Practical Guide

When someone you love loses an important person in their life, it is common to feel a knot in your stomach. You want to help, but you don't know how. You fear saying the wrong thing, intruding or, quite simply, not being up to the task. That doubt is very common and, in fact, it says something good about you: it means you care.

Learning to support someone who is grieving does not require brilliant phrases or technical knowledge. It requires something simpler and, at the same time, harder: presence, patience and a good dose of humility. In this article we look at what a grieving person really needs, what is helpful to say and what to avoid, how to help in practical terms, and how to take care of yourself while you do it.

What grief is and why there is no "right" way to go through it

Grief is the natural response to a significant loss. It is not an illness or a problem to be solved: it is the process by which a person adapts to living in a world where someone who mattered is no longer there. And it is not limited to sadness. It can bring anger, guilt, fear, relief, confusion, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems or a strange sense of unreality.

It is worth letting go of the idea that there are "stages" that are worked through in order and that you come out of at the end. In session we see that grief is more like a tide: there are calm days and days when everything overflows without warning.

Nor is there a timetable. Each person has their own pace, which depends on their history, their bond with the person who died, the circumstances of the loss and the support they receive. Someone who cries a lot is not going through it "worse" than someone who seems composed, and someone who doesn't cry is not "blocked". If you are going to support someone, the first step is to give up judging how they are doing it.

What a grieving person really needs

What tends to help most is not solutions but company. A grieving person does not need someone to fix their pain, because it can't be fixed: they need not to have to carry it alone. The evidence suggests that perceived social support is one of the factors that most helps people get through a loss.

In practice, this means that someone who is suffering often needs:

• To be listened to without being corrected. To be able to say "I feel awful" without anyone answering "you have to cheer up".
• Permission to feel what they feel, even when it is contradictory: crying and laughing on the same afternoon, or feeling relief after a long illness.
• Concrete help with everyday life, because grief is exhausting and simple tasks feel twice as heavy.
• To hear the person who has died spoken about, rather than having their name avoided as if it were taboo.

If you have to hold on to just one idea, let it be this: supporting someone is about being there, not about making the pain disappear.

What to say (and what not to say) when you don't know what to say

Many phrases we use with the best of intentions end up hurting. They are usually born out of the discomfort of the person saying them, who wants to close a difficult conversation quickly, more than out of what the person hearing them needs.

Phrases best avoided

• "They're in a better place" or "Now they're at rest". These may comfort someone who shares that belief, but to many people they sound like they shouldn't be feeling bad.
• "Everything happens for a reason" or "It was God's will". They offer a meaning the person has not yet found and may feel imposed on them.
• "I know how you feel". Every grief is unique. It is better to acknowledge that you can't fully know.
• "You have to be strong" or "For your children, you have to be okay". It forces them to hide their pain.
• "At least they're not suffering anymore" or "At least they had a long life". The "at least" minimises a loss that is enormous for the person.
• "It's time to move on". It sets a deadline where there isn't one.

Phrases that support

• "I'm so sorry. I'm here."
• "I don't know what to say, but I want to be by your side."
• "Would you like to talk, or would you rather I just stay with you for a while?"
• "Tell me what they were like" or "I think about him a lot" (or "her").

Sometimes the best response is a shared silence, a hand on the shoulder or a hug. There is no need to fill every pause. Accompanied silence is usually far less uncomfortable for the person who is suffering than for the person supporting them.

How to support someone in practice

Beyond words, there are simple gestures that make a real difference.

Listen without hurry and without solutions

Really listening means putting your phone down, looking at the person and allowing them to repeat the same story as many times as they need. Repeating is a way of digesting what has happened. You don't need to advise or analyse: reflect back what you hear ("that must be exhausting") and leave space.

Say the name of the person who is gone

Many grieving people fear that everyone else will forget the person who died. Saying their name, recalling an anecdote or sharing a photo does not "stir up" the pain, because the pain is already there. The opposite tends to happen: feeling that the person lives on in other people's memory is comforting.

Offer specific help, not generic help

"Let me know if you need anything" rarely turns into a request, because asking is hard. It is more useful to suggest something specific:

• "This week I'll bring you a meal on Tuesday. Would you prefer lunchtime or evening?"
• "I can go with you to deal with the paperwork or take the children to school."

Respect their timing

There will be days when they want to talk and days when they prefer to be alone. Accept both without taking it personally. A good approach is to keep gently reaching out: a short message that doesn't demand a reply ("I'm thinking of you. No need to answer") keeps the connection alive without applying pressure.

Be there on significant dates

Anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas or the first year without the person are often especially hard times. Make a note of them and write or call on those days. And remember that grief doesn't end after a few weeks, which is exactly when the people around them tend to withdraw: that is when it is most appreciated that someone is still there.

Common mistakes made with good intentions

Almost all of us make some of them at one time or another. Recognising them helps us avoid them:

• Constantly trying to distract. Changing the subject or suggesting plans so they "don't think about it" can send the message that their pain is a nuisance.
• Giving unrequested advice, such as "you should sell the house" or "you need to get out more". It is best not to rush important decisions.
• Comparing griefs. Telling how someone else went through it takes value away from the singular experience of the person in front of you.
• Disappearing for fear of intruding. Many grieving people say that what hurt most was the silence of those close to them.

Griefs that become complicated or that society does not recognise

Some losses are lived with an added pain: that of not feeling entitled to suffer. This is known as unrecognised or disenfranchised grief, and it deserves special attention.

Perinatal and pregnancy loss

Losing a pregnancy, or a baby at birth or shortly afterwards, is an enormous loss, but it is often surrounded by silence. Phrases such as "you're young, there will be more" overlook the fact that this particular child already existed in the plans and in the hearts of their parents. Here the most valuable thing is to acknowledge the loss, use the baby's name if they had one, and not rush to talk about a future pregnancy.

Grief after suicide

People who lose someone to suicide often carry unanswered questions, guilt, shame and, at times, a fear of being judged. Avoid looking for causes or someone to blame, and don't ask about details they have not offered. What helps is talking naturally, without taboo, and offering a safe space where the person can say what they feel without being questioned. These griefs carry a higher risk of becoming complicated, so encouraging them to seek professional support is especially important.

Grief after a long illness

When someone has cared for a family member for months or years, sorrow can mix with relief and exhaustion, and then guilt appears for having felt that relief. It helps a great deal to normalise this: feeling relief because the suffering is over does not mean loving less.

How to look after yourself while you support someone

Supporting someone in grief is draining. Listening to pain, sometimes for months, stirs up your own losses and can leave you tired or sad. Looking after yourself is not selfish: it is what allows you to keep being available.

• Set kind limits. You can say "today I don't have the energy for a long conversation, shall we talk tomorrow?" without caring any less.
• Don't become their only support. If you can, share the task with other people around them.
• Look after the basics: sleeping, eating well, moving, keeping your routines and your moments of rest.
• Talk about how you feel with someone you trust. You also need to let it out.

When to suggest professional help

Most people get through grief with the support of those around them and their own resources. But sometimes the suffering becomes too intense or lasts too long, and specialised support is advisable. Some signs that suggest considering it:

• The pain does not ease at all as the months go by and prevents them from functioning in their daily life.
• There is a persistent inability to accept the loss, or a yearning that takes over everything.
• There is marked isolation, neglect of self-care, excessive use of alcohol or other substances, or serious difficulty sleeping and eating.
• There is very intense guilt, thoughts that life is not worth living or thoughts of self-harm. In that case, don't wait: seek professional help as soon as possible, and if there is immediate risk, contact the emergency services.

How you suggest it matters. Avoid saying "you need to see a psychologist", which can sound as though something is wrong with them. Something like this works better: "I've seen how hard this has been and I don't think you have to go through it alone. There are professionals who support people through these processes. Would you like me to help you find one?". Offering to make the first contact often helps a lot.

How grief therapy helps

Grief therapy does not aim for the person to "get over" the one they lost or to forget them. It offers a safe space, without hurry and without having to protect anyone, where they can put words to what hurts. In session we work so that the person can understand their emotions, express what was left unsaid, manage guilt and anger, and find a way of keeping the bond with the person who died while rebuilding their life.

The evidence suggests that therapy is especially useful when grief becomes complicated, when there are traumatic circumstances or when the pain becomes chronic. Asking for help is not weakness: it is a way of taking care of yourself.

Simply being there is already a lot

You don't need the exact words or to have all the answers. It is enough to show up, to listen, to say the name of the person who is gone and to call again when everyone else has stopped. And if you too feel that supporting someone is overwhelming, or if someone close to you grieving makes you think of your own grief, at ER Psicología Sanitaria we would be glad to support you in Tres Cantos: taking the first step today can bring relief to you and, with it, to the person beside you.

If you want to keep reading, our article on the stages of grief may help you. And if you feel you could use professional support, you can see how we approach grief support.