Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: A Grief Guide

When someone you love dies, the world carries on at its usual pace as if nothing had happened, and that can feel almost offensive. You, on the other hand, feel that something inside you has stopped. Perhaps you wonder how anyone copes with the loss of a loved one, whether what you are going through is normal, or whether you are doing it wrong.

Let me tell you the most important thing up front: there is no right way to do this. In my sessions I accompany adults going through this moment, and what tends to bring them the most relief is discovering that their grief, with all its messiness, is a natural response to the love they felt. In this article I explain how grief is usually experienced, what can help you, and when it is a good idea to ask for support.

What grief is and why there is no right way to go through it

Grief is the natural response to a significant loss. It is not an illness or a problem that needs to be solved: it is the way your mind, your body and your life reorganize themselves when someone who was part of them is missing. We grieve because we loved.

That is why there is no official timeline. Some people cry from the very first day, while others take weeks to feel anything. Some need to talk about the person constantly, and others prefer silence. Some throw themselves into work, and others cannot get up off the sofa. None of these ways is better or worse, and comparing your process with that of your sister, your neighbor or something you saw in a film only adds pressure.

Many things shape it: the bond you had, the circumstances of the death (expected or sudden, with or without a goodbye), your earlier history of loss, and the support you have around you. Two brothers who lose the same father can grieve in very different ways, and both of them can be doing it well.

Grief is not a staircase: why the "stages" are not rigid steps

You have probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is a very popular model, but it is worth understanding properly. It was originally described to explain what some people felt when facing their own death, and it was later applied to grief as if it were a staircase to be climbed one step at a time.

Clinical experience and the evidence suggest that real grief does not work that way. Emotions do not arrive in order, and they do not say goodbye for good. You may feel acceptance one morning and, by the afternoon, be back in an anger you thought you had left behind. You may never go through some of those "stages" at all, and that does not mean anything is wrong.

An image many people find helpful is that of waves. At first they come one after another and with great force; over time they space out and lose intensity, although every so often one appears that catches you by surprise. When the pain returns it does not mean you have gone backwards: it is part of the journey.

How grief feels: body, emotions, thoughts and behavior

People talk about grief as if it were only sadness, but it affects your whole being.

• In the body: deep fatigue, tightness in the chest or throat, a knot in the stomach, too little or too much appetite, headaches, muscle tension, a feeling of emptiness, disturbed sleep.
• In your emotions: sadness, longing, anger, fear, guilt, relief (yes, it can show up too), loneliness, anxiety or, at times, a strange absence of feeling.
• In your thinking: trouble concentrating, forgetfulness, confusion, repetitive thoughts about what happened, unanswered questions, the sense of unreality that "this can't be true."
• In your behavior: withdrawing from others or, on the contrary, not being able to bear being alone; avoiding places and objects that remind you of the person, or seeking them out; crying easily; moving on autopilot; neglecting everyday tasks.

All of this is to be expected, especially in the first few months. If you recognize yourself in several of these things, you are not losing your mind: you are going through a major loss.

Normal reactions that can be frightening

There are grief responses that almost nobody talks about and that, when they appear, cause fear or shame. It helps to put a name to them.

• Numbness. At the beginning it is common to feel as if you are in a fog, to handle paperwork with an efficiency you later do not remember, or not to cry at the funeral. The mind protects itself by taking in the impact in small doses.
• Guilt. "I should have gone to the doctor sooner," "I never told them how I felt," "I should have been there." Guilt is often an attempt to find control over something that was never within your control. Reviewing the past with today's information is unfair to the person you were then.
• Anger. At the doctors, at the family, at life, even at the person who died for having gone. Anger is a legitimate emotion in grief, not a lack of respect.
• Talking to the person who is no longer here. Telling them about your day, asking them for advice, feeling their presence or believing you hear their voice or their footsteps. This is very common and, in general, is not a sign of any disorder. Keeping that inner bond can be a comfort.
• Unexpected waves. A smell, a song, a street or a recipe can bring the pain rushing back just when you thought you were doing better.

Saying goodbye and remembering: the value of rituals

Rituals of farewell exist in almost every culture for a reason: they help make the loss real and help us feel accompanied as we face it. A funeral, a ceremony, scattering ashes, visiting a meaningful place or gathering to remember are all ways of saying goodbye.

What if you could not say goodbye, were not present, or there was no ceremony? This is more common than it seems, especially when the death was sudden or circumstances made it impossible. Even so, you can create your own ritual, even if time has passed:

• Write them a letter with everything you were not able to say.
• Light a candle on a date that matters to you both.
• Plant something in their memory or visit a place you both loved.
• Gather photos, songs or letters in a box or an album.

Remembering is not the same as being stuck in the past. Making room for the memory of the person who has gone, with affection and without hurry, is one of the healthiest ways of moving forward without forgetting.

How to take care of yourself day to day

Coping with a loss does not mean "doing things" so that it hurts less, but holding yourself up while it hurts. Here are a few simple ideas that tend to help in my sessions:

• Protect your sleep. Grief disturbs rest. Try to keep regular hours, avoid screens and alcohol at night and, if you wake up thinking, take it as a normal part of this time.
• Lean on other people. Choose those who let you talk without judging or rushing you. You can tell them what you need: "just listen to me" or "come for a walk with me."
• Give yourself breaks from the sorrow. Grief is lived in bursts. It is healthy to alternate moments of pain with moments of distraction: a series, a coffee, a conversation about something else. It is not running away, it is pacing yourself.
• Return to your routines little by little. Going back to work, to seeing friends or to your hobbies can give you structure, but without demanding that you perform as before.
• Allow yourself joy without guilt. Enjoying something is not a betrayal of the person you lost. You can miss them and, at the same time, laugh with a friend.

Significant dates and "the second times"

Some days weigh more heavily: the person's birthday, the anniversary of their death, Christmas, Mother's or Father's Day, your usual holidays together. Often the anticipation is worse than the day itself. If you know that a date like this is approaching, it helps to decide in advance how you want to spend it: with company, with a small ritual, or with a quiet plan that looks after you.

There are also what some people call the "second times": in the first few months family and friends are very attentive, but later their lives carry on while you still need space. A first Christmas, a first summer or a celebration without that person may come, and also a second year in which the pain becomes more conscious because there is no longer any numbness to cushion it. This is common and does not mean you are doing badly.

When grief becomes complicated and it is time to ask for help

Most people make their way through grief with time, the support of those close to them and their own resources. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, and you do not need to wait until you are "really bad." Even so, there are signs that suggest your grief is becoming complicated:

• Months go by and the pain does not ease at all, or is even more intense and disabling.
• You find it very hard to carry out your daily life: working, looking after yourself or others, leaving the house.
• You constantly avoid everything that reminds you of the person, or you cannot stop thinking about them in an obsessive way.
• You feel very intense and persistent guilt, or an anger that overwhelms you.
• Deep and continuous sadness appears, along with loss of interest in everything, hopelessness, serious disruption of sleep or appetite, or increasing use of alcohol or other substances to get through.

If at any point you have thoughts of not wanting to go on, of hurting yourself, or that it would be better to disappear, I ask you not to keep them to yourself. Talk today to someone you trust or to a professional. In Spain you can call 024, the suicidal behavior helpline, which is free and available 24 hours a day, and if there is immediate danger, 112. Thinking this way does not make you weak: it means the suffering has exceeded what you can carry alone, and there is help for that.

How grief therapy helps

Therapy does not aim to take away your pain or make you forget the person you have lost. Its goal is to accompany you so that the pain becomes more bearable and so that you can integrate the loss into your life without it taking over everything.

In my practice I work with adults going through this process, and what therapy tends to offer is:

• A safe space to say what you perhaps do not dare tell your family so as not to worry them.
• Understanding what is happening to you and normalizing reactions that frighten you.
• Working through guilt, anger and the things left unsaid.
• Help finding your own way of keeping a bond with the person who has died while also rebuilding plans and your desire to live.
• Detecting in good time whether there is depression or another problem that needs specific care.

The evidence suggests that psychological support is especially useful when grief becomes complicated, although it can also simply help you get through a very hard time with more support. You do not need to have waited a minimum amount of time or for your situation to be "serious enough": it is enough that you feel it would help not to carry this alone.

If you have lost someone important and notice that the weight is becoming too much, I would be glad to accompany you. Write to us and tell us about your situation, without hurry and with no commitment: we will take the first step together, at your pace, so that you can remember the person you love with more peace and gradually feel again that life belongs to you too.

If you want to keep reading, our article on the stages of grief may help you. And if you feel you could use professional support, you can see how we approach grief support.