Grief over the loss of a pet: how to cope with it

If you have found your way here, you are probably going through one of the hardest moments there is: the loss of an animal you loved with all your soul. Perhaps you have said goodbye to your dog after many years together, to your cat who waited for you every afternoon, or to any other companion who was part of your day to day. And perhaps, alongside the pain, you feel something like shame, as if you did not have the right to be so sad. We want to tell you right away, with all calm, that what you feel makes sense, that you are not exaggerating and that you are not alone. This pain deserves to be heard and cared for, and in these lines we are going to accompany you in understanding it and moving through it little by little.

Grief over a pet is real and legitimate grief

For a long time the suffering caused by losing a companion animal has been minimised. Phrases such as it was only an animal, or you can always get another one, hurt even more because they imply that your grief does not count. But the reality, from what we know about bonds and attachment, is very different. Grief is not measured by the species of the one who leaves, but by the love there was in that relationship. And the love you felt for your animal was genuine, deep and everyday.

Your pet was not an object to be replaced. It was a being with whom you shared your home, your silences, your routines and, often, the hardest moments of your life. That is why you have every right to mourn its absence, to miss it and to need time. Allowing yourself to recognise that this is real grief is the first step towards being able to move through it without punishing yourself for feeling what you feel.

Why it hurts so much

Sometimes the intensity of our own pain surprises us, and we wonder how it is possible to suffer so much. The answer lies in the kind of bond we build with the animals who live with us. They are relationships with very particular features, and understanding them helps to validate what is happening to you.

• Unconditional affection. Your pet loved you just as you were, without judging you, without reproach, without conditions. That clean companionship is very hard to find, and its loss leaves an enormous emptiness.
• The shared routine. The walks, mealtimes, the welcome when you came home, the warmth at your feet on the sofa. When they go, it is not only the animal that disappears: dozens of small gestures that marked your day disappear too, and are now felt as missing.
• A constant presence. Often the animal has been by your side for years, through different stages of your life, accompanying house moves, break-ups, illnesses or times of loneliness. It was a silent witness to your story.
• A wordless, physical affection. The contact, the strokes, the gaze. That affection which needs no explanations calms the nervous system in a very real way, and that is why its absence is felt in the body too.

When you add all of this together, it is natural that the loss stirs you inside. You are not giving too much importance to something small: you are reacting, like anyone would, to the breaking of a bond that was truly important.

The phases and emotions of grief

Grief is not a straight or orderly path. You do not pass through stages one after another to reach a goal. It is more like a swell of waves: there are days when you seem to breathe a little better and, suddenly, a forgotten toy or a photo brings back the whole of the sadness. That does not mean you are going backwards, it means you are working through the loss at your own pace.

Throughout the process many emotions can appear, and all of them are valid. It is common to feel a deep sadness, an emptiness that fills everything, moments of denial in which you expect to hear its footsteps, anger towards the situation or towards yourself, anxiety, tiredness and even relief when there has been a long illness. Feeling relief does not make you a bad person: it is a human response to the end of suffering, your animal's and your own.

Guilt deserves a special mention, because it is usually one of the heaviest emotions, especially when the decision of euthanasia had to be taken. You may ask yourself over and over whether you did it at the right time, whether you could have done more, whether it realised what was happening. This guilt, although it is very painful, usually springs precisely from the love and the responsibility with which you cared for it. Taking that decision is an act of enormous affection: choosing to spare it suffering when there was no longer any way to cure it. Allowing yourself to let go of that reproach little by little, and to remember that you decided out of love and with the information you had, is part of the path of healing.

Disenfranchised grief: when those around you do not understand

One of the aspects that most complicates this kind of loss is what in psychology is called disenfranchised grief. It happens when those around you do not recognise your pain as something legitimate, and therefore do not offer you the comfort or the permission to cry that is given with other losses. No one sends you flowers, hardly anyone asks how you are, and sometimes they expect you to carry on with your life the next day as if nothing had happened.

That lack of recognition can make you feel very alone, and even lead you to hide your grief so as not to be a bother or to avoid being judged. If this is happening to you, we want you to know that the problem is not that your pain is disproportionate, but that many people have not learned to accompany this kind of loss. Seek out those who do understand you, even if they are only a few, and allow yourself to express what you feel without apologising for it. Your grief is valid even if others cannot see it.

How to accompany the process: rituals and memories

Saying goodbye well helps you heal. Rituals, however simple, give the pain a place and allow us to honour what that relationship meant. There is no correct way to do it: what matters is that it makes sense to you. These ideas may serve as a starting point.

• Create a gesture of farewell. Lighting a candle, writing a letter telling it what it meant to you, choosing a special place for its ashes or to remember it. Putting words and gestures to the goodbye brings comfort.
• Keep a memento. A framed photo, its collar, a small corner at home. Keeping something of its own is not staying anchored, but keeping the trace of your affection alive.
• Allow yourself to talk about it. Sharing anecdotes, laughing as you remember its quirks, crying when the grief appears. Naming it keeps its story present.
• Respect your own timing. Do not force yourself to put its things away on the first day or to be fine by a particular date. You will do each thing when you feel ready.

Caring for the body is part of the process too: sleeping what you can, eating, going out for a walk and leaning on the people who love you. Pain needs space, but you also need to hold yourself up while you move through it.

How to help children live through the loss

For many children, the death of a pet is their first encounter with loss, and the way we accompany them will shape how they learn to live through pain. The temptation to protect them with phrases such as it has gone far away or it has fallen asleep usually confuses them and creates more fear. It is better to explain the truth with simple words adapted to their age, telling them that the animal has died, that this means its body no longer works and that it will not come back.

Give them permission to express what they feel and show them that it is alright to cry, grown-ups too. You can invite them to take part in a small farewell, to make a drawing or to write something for their friend. Answer their questions patiently, even if they repeat, and avoid replacing the animal straight away, because they need time to understand that each being is unique and irreplaceable. Accompanying them in this, without minimising their sadness, teaches them that losses can be felt, spoken about and held within the family.

When grief becomes complicated and it is wise to ask for help

Most grief, with time and support, is gradually integrated. But sometimes the pain gets stuck and begins to interfere intensely with daily life. It is not about setting a deadline for suffering, but about paying attention to certain signs that indicate professional support would do you good.

• Months go by and the intensity of the pain does not ease at all, or even grows.
• Guilt or self-reproach have become constant and do not let you rest.
• You struggle to keep up with your day to day, to sleep, to eat or to concentrate for a long time.
• You isolate yourself from others, you completely avoid everything that reminds you of your animal or, on the contrary, you cannot think of anything else.
• A very deep sadness, intense anxiety or thoughts that frighten you appear.

If you recognise yourself in several of these situations, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but of care towards yourself. Sharing the weight with someone who knows how to accompany you can make a great difference.

How therapy accompanies you

In therapy you will find a safe space in which your pain is taken seriously, without anyone minimising what this loss has meant. We accompany the process respecting your pace, helping you put words to what you feel and to understand the different emotions that appear, especially that guilt which weighs so much when difficult decisions had to be taken.

We work so that you can say goodbye in a way that gives you peace, gradually recover your everyday life and keep the memory of your animal from a place of affection and not only from emptiness. It is not about forgetting or turning the page by force, but about learning to live with the absence in a kinder way, giving that love story the place it deserves within you.

If you want to keep reading, we recommend our article on the phases of grief and the information about our grief therapy.

If you feel you need support to move through this moment, at ER Psicología we will be glad to listen to you. You can book a first consultation with no commitment, in our practice in Tres Cantos or online, and begin to care for your pain with calm and at your own pace. You do not have to go through this alone.