Perfectionism: when self-demand hurts you

Perfectionism has a good reputation. It is associated with people who are responsible, hard-working and with high standards. However, when self-demand becomes extreme and constant, it stops being a driving force and turns into a source of suffering. Behind the facade of the person who does everything well there is usually a great deal of anxiety, fear of mistakes and a self-esteem that depends entirely on achievements.

In this article we talk about what perfectionism really is, how to distinguish it from the healthy pursuit of excellence and what you can do so that self-demand stops hurting you.

What perfectionism is

Perfectionism is the tendency to set excessively high standards and to evaluate oneself very critically when they are not reached. The perfectionist person does not settle for doing things well: they feel that things have to be flawless, and any mistake, however small, is experienced as a personal failure.

What is characteristic is not so much the level of demand as the relationship established with mistakes. For the perfectionist, making a mistake is not part of learning, but a threat to their worth. This turns every task into a test on which, in their mind, their value as a person depends.

Healthy perfectionism and perfectionism that harms

Not all demand is problematic. There is an adaptive way of pursuing excellence that drives you to improve without punishing yourself. The difference lies in several nuances:

• Healthy pursuit of excellence: you are motivated to improve, you enjoy the process, you accept mistakes as part of the journey and your worth does not depend solely on the result.
• Perfectionism that harms: you are driven by the fear of failing, you do not enjoy anything because it is never enough, mistakes devastate you and your self-esteem rises and falls according to what you achieve.

The first adds up; the second wears you down. Recognising which of the two you are in is essential to knowing whether your demand is helping you or taking its toll.

How it shows itself day to day

Perfectionism is not always visible at first glance. Sometimes it disguises itself as efficiency and, paradoxically, at other times as blockage. Some of its most common manifestations are:

• Procrastination: putting off tasks out of fear of not doing them well enough. If it cannot be perfect, better not to start.
• Difficulty finishing: revising again and again, unable to call something done.
• Fierce self-criticism: a harsh inner dialogue that fixes only on what has gone wrong.
• Fear of the judgement of others: constant worry about the image one projects.
• Difficulty delegating: the sense that no one will do it as well as oneself.
• Chronic dissatisfaction: however many achievements pile up, it is never enough.

All of this has a high emotional cost: anxiety, exhaustion and a permanent feeling of not measuring up. Very often, perfectionism goes hand in hand with anxiety and stress, each feeding the other.

Perfectionism in different areas of life

Although it is usually associated with work or studies, extreme self-demand can slip into many areas:

• At work: endless days, an inability to delegate and a sense that it is never enough.
• In image and the body: a constant dissatisfaction with your own appearance, however much you look after it.
• In motherhood or fatherhood: the demand to be the perfect parent, which creates guilt over any mistake.
• In relationships: fear of disappointing, difficulty showing vulnerability or asking for help.
• In leisure: even rest becomes a task that has to be done well, losing all enjoyment.

Seeing in how many corners self-demand appears helps to understand how exhausting it is to live this way and why it is worth working on.

Where extreme self-demand comes from

Perfectionism is not born overnight. It usually has roots in each person history:

• Environments where affection or approval seemed to depend on achievements.
• Frequent comparisons with siblings, classmates or idealised models.
• Learning early that making a mistake had important consequences.
• Personal traits of responsibility and sensitivity, on which the environment may have placed a lot of pressure.

Understanding where it comes from does not serve to look for someone to blame, but to treat yourself with more understanding. Many perfectionist people learned very early that they were only valuable if they measured up. Healing that belief is a central part of the work on self-esteem.

How to ease self-demand

The good news is that the relationship with demand can be transformed. It is not about giving up your goals or becoming complacent, but about changing the way you treat yourself along the way.

Question the all-or-nothing

Perfectionism works in black and white: either it is perfect or it is a disaster. Practising the greys, recognising that something can be good without being flawless, relieves a lot of pressure. Ask yourself: is this really insufficient or simply not perfect?

Redefine mistakes

Start to see mistakes as information and as an inevitable part of any learning. No one who has achieved something important has done so without making mistakes along the way. A mistake does not say what you are worth; it says that you are trying.

Work on your inner dialogue

Notice how you talk to yourself when something does not turn out as you wanted. Would you speak to a friend that way? Replacing fierce self-criticism with a more understanding tone does not make you weaker, it makes you more sustainable.

Set limits on revision

• Set a specific time for each task and respect it.
• Practise calling things done even when your mind asks for one more revision.
• Delegate and tolerate others doing it in their own way.

Practise imperfection on purpose

It may sound strange, but exposing yourself voluntarily to small imperfections is very useful. Sending a message without rereading it ten times, leaving a task at a merit rather than a distinction, or showing something without finishing it completely. On seeing that no catastrophe occurs, the fear of mistakes gradually loses its force.

Separate your worth from your achievements

This is the deepest work: remembering that you are worthy as a person beyond what you produce or achieve. Your worth is not a mark that goes up or down with each result. Cultivating relationships, hobbies and moments that have nothing to do with performing helps to build a more stable self-esteem.

The circle between perfectionism and procrastination

It may seem contradictory that a very demanding person is also the one who puts tasks off the most, but it is one of the most frequent paradoxes of perfectionism. The logic is this: if something has to turn out perfect and I am afraid of not managing it, starting is so frightening that I would rather postpone it. The more I put it off, the more the pressure builds up, and the more pressure there is, the harder it is to get going.

This is how an exhausting circle forms:

• The extremely high demand makes the task seem unmanageable.
• The fear of not doing it perfectly leads to postponing it.
• The delay creates guilt and more anxiety.
• In the end it is done in a rush and worse than it could have been, which reinforces the self-criticism.

Breaking this circle involves lowering the bar to start: allowing yourself to begin badly, to make an imperfect first draft or to divide the task into very small steps. The key idea is that done is better than perfect, and that it is almost always easier to improve something already started than to face the blank page.

An exercise: the good-enough rule

A very practical tool for easing self-demand is learning to ask yourself, before starting a task, what level of quality it really needs. Not everything deserves the same effort, and treating each thing as if it were crucial is what exhausts you.

You can practise it like this:

• Before starting, decide what result would be good enough for that specific task, not the maximum possible.
• Set yourself a time limit in keeping with that real importance.
• When you reach that point, stop, even if your mind asks you to keep polishing.
• Observe what happens. Almost always you will find that the result was more than enough and that you have gained time and calm.

Reserving the highest demand only for what truly deserves it, and applying good enough to the rest, frees up an enormous amount of energy. It is not lowering the quality of your life, it is distributing your strength sensibly.

How to support a perfectionist child

Many parents recognise in their children traits of self-demand that worry them: children who cry over a mistake, who tear up a drawing if it does not come out perfect or who suffer over their grades. Supporting them without feeding the perfectionism is possible.

Some guidelines that help:

• Value the effort, not only the result. Acknowledge what they tried, not only what they achieved.
• Normalise mistakes by talking about your own naturally and showing that making mistakes is part of learning.
• Take care with messages about grades or achievements, so that the child does not perceive that your affection depends on them.
• Avoid comparisons with siblings or classmates.
• Give them permission to rest and play without everything having to be productive.

Children learn a great deal from how we treat ourselves. If they see you ease your own self-demand and speak to yourself kindly, they are more likely to learn to do so too. If the suffering is intense, consulting a professional can help the whole family.

Frequent myths about perfectionism

• Myth: if I were not so demanding, I would achieve nothing. Many people perform the same or better when they stop punishing themselves, because they work from motivation and not from fear.
• Myth: perfectionism is a synonym for quality. Often it leads to the opposite: blockage, delays and tasks that are not finished out of fear that they will not turn out perfect.
• Myth: easing off means settling. Easing self-demand is not giving up on goals, but pursuing them without hurting yourself.
• Myth: you are born a perfectionist and cannot change. It is a learned pattern and, as such, it can be modified with work and support.

Frequently asked questions

Is perfectionism a disorder?

Perfectionism in itself is not a diagnosis, but a trait or a way of functioning. It can be healthy or problematic depending on how it is experienced. When it causes a great deal of distress or is associated with anxiety, it is advisable to consult a professional.

Can you stop being a perfectionist completely?

It is not so much about eliminating the demand as about redirecting it. The goal is to keep the part that drives you and to let go of the part that hurts you, so that you can make an effort without punishing yourself.

How do I know if I need help?

A good sign is to ask yourself whether the way you demand of yourself is taking away your quality of life: whether it causes you anxiety, blocks you, affects your rest or means that you never feel satisfied. If that is the case, working on it with support can bring you a lot of relief.

When to ask for help

If perfectionism causes you anxiety, blocks you, affects your rest or means that you never feel satisfied, it may be time to work on it with support. In therapy you can explore where that self-demand comes from, question the beliefs that sustain it and learn to treat yourself with more kindness without giving up your goals.

You can start by finding out about our services or downloading one of our free guides on self-esteem and wellbeing. And if you feel that self-demand is hurting you and you want to change the way you treat yourself, you can book an appointment. You deserve to be able to make an effort without punishing yourself, and learning to do so is possible.